guw-092 Chasing the White man syndrome, part 2

March 2004

Chasing the White man syndrome, part 2
Can Asian Western gay relationships work in Singapore?

by Charles Tan

Singapore has a larger Asian gay population than western men, resulting in a situation whereby the westerner is more likely to stray because of more “temptations”. This commonly held belief results in a stereotypical view of Asian Western relationship in which a controlling, easily jealous Asian boyfriend is coupled with an equally flirtatious and sexually libertine westerner.

On the other hand, the reverse could be true. The younger gay asian is likely to have sexual partners outside the relationship because of his youth (and hence ability to meet other guys); a desire to find other white men who is much more suitable for him in his opinion. Moreover, if his white boyfriend is likely to stray, why should he be the one to remain monogamous?

Seen in this perspective, AW relationships, like gay asian relationships, are characterized by doubts of monogamity.

Cultural factors and differences in upbringing have also been blamed for failing AW relationships. The westerner is perceived as being brought up in a less conservative environment with the likelihood of a more gay friendly environment. That however becomes the opposite if we are talking about a strict Catholic or Christian upbringing, which is likely to be more homophobic than the average asian family.

Westerners are seen to be brought up in more affectionate families and hence likely to be affectionate in later part of their lives. This could be reflected in their upfront attitude and open mannerisms. In treating their partners, they are likely to be more expressive and physical. The asian, on the other hand, who is more reserved, runs the risk of being accused of being non affectionate towards his other half.

To reduce to such simplistic generalizations in explaining incompatibility between an Asian an westerner is to miss the larger picture. In any relationships, even when cultural factors and upbringing are similar, people break-up or divorce. How else to account for the climbing straight divorce rates in our straight society which are mostly non cross racial?

In general, gay relationships are hard to sustain. Personal factors include an inability to cope with the partner’s infidelity, loss of sexual interest, to lack of communication.

Within a larger context, the lack of family support (in certain cases) and societal infrastructure has made it easier for people to leave and form new relationships. Without marriage counselors, established marriages and civil unions, relationships are formed and sustained based on mutual trust, love and acceptance of each other.

In AW relationship, family acceptance is another additional barrier. Not only has the gay man explain why he is gay; but why his other half is of another colour. It is like a double whammy to a conservative family forced to confront a gay son who brings home someone speaking a and unintelligible different language.

The AW relationship which is generally characterized by an older WM and a younger asian faces power tussle within the household. The WM is likely to have undergone more relationships, and experienced in twisting arms and getting his way around. With a higher income, his ability can make the other half to feeling like a “receiver” in kind. Yet, this is not a AW issue. Most relationships will face similar issues and it is up to the couple themselves to solve the problem.

However, there is one pertinent problem that is more unique for gay AW relationships. The status of the westerner in Singapore is often unstable. A foreigner has to leave the country within short notice if his service with the company is terminated. Even when he obtains a PR, it is subject to renewable after 5 years. The possibility of him being evicted from Singapore due to unemployment is an issue which could hamper the growth or cause the demise of a relationship.

At the same time, this speculation is a major disincentive in starting a relationship. There are ways to work around including getting the asian to move with the westerner back to his country or reside in a different country altogether. However, the average Singapore gay man is likely to hold on to his family and will be torn apart by the need to move.

At the end of the day, asian western relationships are like other gay or straight relationships. There is absolutely no reason why it cannot work, that is, if there is love and the parties are willing to try.

Note: The writer believes that the “white man chase” syndrome cannot be easily and logically explained in a few words. Get in touch with him if you have “alternative” theories to offer.

Foreword by Yawning Bread

Nil

Footnotes