Woman's
World magazine
January 2003 issue
Section: Real Life (Pages 110, 111, 112.)
I caught my hubby in bed, with
another man
It is bad enough to find out that your husband cheated,
let alone with another man. Jessica tells ML Koh of the shock
and agony that followed.
Nothing prepared me for what I was about to discover. It was
Emily's fourth birthday and my sister wanted to take her for a
birthday dinner, thus she needed a fresh change of clothes.
Business was brisk at the salon (at a shopping mall in the east)
and I thought of staying back to help the workers. If had been a
couple of hours and Damien was still not back from the bank. I
tried contacting him several times, but he had switched off his
mobile phone.
Since I figured he should return quite soon, I left the salon
for home, a 15-minute drive away. Emily was chatting merrily,
asking me if she could order and earthquake ice cream.
THE SHOCKING DISCOVERY
Nothing prepared my daughter and I for the
"earthquake" that was about to take place. I never
suspected anything was amiss until I saw the door to my room
open. I clutched Emily's hand and as we went closer to it, I
could hear the sounds of sex….. In my fear of walking in to
find Damien with a woman, I loosened the grip on my daughter's
hand and she dashed into the room.
I ran after her quickly and reached the door at the same
moment as Emily. There on my matrimonial bed was my husband,
Emily's father totally naked and in the middle of the act with…
a man. Their facial expressions went from sheer sexual pleasure
to utter horror no one moved for that split second, until our
little girl started screaming.
I really cannot recall what happened next, just that I
suddenly found myself at my sister's place, crying my heart out,
desperately wanting to wake up from this nightmare. No one could
pacify Emily. She went from screaming to whimpering, back to
screaming and then sobbing. I truly do not know how much she
understood…. I could only feel her distress…. And could only
hold her in a tight embrace, trying hard to soothe her.
I had suspected that Damien was having an affair. I even
tried to ignite our dormant sexual life the last time we had
sex was two years ago. I also tried enticing him with sexually
suggestive books and films, I knew something was wrong, we had
always been intimate and would even leave the salon for a
quickie back home.
I had broached the subject with him too, and he would brush
me off with "Nothing, I'm just tired", or that he was
worried about the business. I believed him as it was true that
the human traffic had slowed down a fair bit, despite renovation
works and the promise of a new hypermart.
OUR LOVE STORY
I first met Damien at a gay club in Orchard. I had been
curious about such places and decided to follow some homosexual
colleagues to check out what was really in store. One of them
knew the man Damien was with …. And we sat down at the same
table.
He never once gave me the indication that he was "one of
them". In fact, I thought he was like me, just wanting to
see what everything was all about. It turned out that we were
living just across the street from each other and so, it was
just right that he send me home.
The journey was like a getting-to-know-you session. I found
out that he had just opened a hair salon and was looking for
help. How wonderful, since I was already contemplating to quit
my job. Everything else took place so naturally. Damien was a
good boss, he was also caring and took care of me well. I fell
in love with him very soon, and knowing that he was unattached
(since no girls ever called him), I set about winning his heart.
We started dating but he warned me that he hadn't thought
about marriage seriously, which was fine with me. Until we had
sex and I was expecting Emily. We married three months before
she was born. There was always some niggling doubt that
something was wrong, even though I wasn't quite sure what it
was. Damien seemed preoccupied, especially after our daughter
came into our lives.
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
I've kidded myself for a long time. Now that's all over. It's
finally happened. My marriage is over, in the romantic sense.
But I won't get a divorce. Unless Damien wants one.
I am seeing a counsellor now. To talk about my feelings, and
to come to terms with what has happened. I am also praying every
day that some miracle will happen… most of all, that Emily can
get over this.
Much as I hate him, I also know that he didn't set out to
hurt me intentionally. If he needs me to play-pretend as his
wife, I am willing to do it. He was once the love of my life.
And I don't want Emily to live without her father. The last
thing my daughter and I need is an ugly divorce.
DAMIEN SAYS:
Jessica has always known about my gay inclination, even
though she is denying it right now. She even knew that my first
sexual experience was with another guy. This inclination is
something, that is beyond my control, particularly in the
hairdressing industry that I am in.
In fact, I was with my then-sex partner at a gay club when
she first met me. I even thought she was a lesbian, but found
out later that she was just checking out the place with her
friends. It was never my intention to cheat on her, and I still
love her very much. Just as I would love another man.
I admit that bringing Choon Kin home was not a very nice
thing to do and Id o regret it very much. But what has happened,
has happened. There is no turning back.
It hurts me too that my daughter shrinks away from me when
she sees me. I love her and if I could, I would shoulder all the
pain and hurt for her. She is too young to have to go through
this, but given her young age, I hope she can put it behind her
one day.
I am willing to foot all the bills for the treatment she is
receiving, and I pray that she will forgive me eventually
after all, I am still her father.
* * * * *
Sidebar article, page 112:
Overcoming the shock
Dr Melinda Soh, a private therapist, says:
"In any betrayed marriage, the unwanted finds it tough
to deal with the feeling of rejection. Finding out that your
husband has cheated is bad enough, and that is the key thing
Jessica has to acknowledge.
It is already heart-wrenching to suddenly realise that your
husband wants to be with someone else. It is double whammy when
that someone else is another man, particularly if you ignored or
never realised that your spouse was actually gay.
If he is, then he should get help first on his own, then
with the family. There is nothing to indicate that he is unable
to overcome this homosexual inclination, it is all up to Damien.
Yet again, honestly, given his response, the chance is slim. Now
that everything is out in the open, it is likely that he will do
it again.
Instead of hoping to stay together, Jessica should start
developing more security and independence. It is best that she
continues with their own counselling, as well as for her
daughter's. They have to confront the feelings of anger and
betrayal. They have to put this behind them, and start to build
a new life together."
END OF ARTICLE
Every few months, one or other of the women's
magazines in Singapore would do a piece about gay men. Having seen a number in
the last few years, they all look like they're cut from the same cloth. The
articles tend to be about some poor woman left high and dry by philandering gay
husbands or boyfriends. Presumably you're supposed to feel for the betrayed
lass, but very often, if one looks at the details in the story, they often
reveal a woman who largely fooled herself. The one which I reproduce below is no
different.
