This is Part II of the Aunt Webby essay. Part 1
recounted what happened on Pacific Internet's Aunt Webby page in the second week
of June. I held the view that technological trends were significant contributing
factors to the strong gay presence among the 36 feedback letters obtained.
Here, we shall take a look at the contents of the
36 letters. They are clues to the attitudes held by gay and straight segments in
our society.
The letters can be grouped into three significant
categories:
- supportive gay persons,
- supportive straight persons, and
- unsupportive straight persons, i.e. those who
suggested that Mr Invisible (the one who wrote to Aunt Webby) should try
harder to change, or else get professional help.
No. of
letters:
|
Definitely/
Probably
Gay |
Can't
Tell |
Definitely/
Probably
Straight |
| Supportive |
17 |
4 |
9 |
| Unclear |
0 |
0 |
1 |
| Unsupportive |
0 |
0 |
5 |
| Total |
17 |
4 |
15 |
My thesis here, and I don't think I am being
biased, is that those in the first category, the gay ones, wrote more
persuasively. They wrote from personal experience, and also rebutted many of the
mistaken ideas put in by the third group.
Secondly, while nine straight respondents were
sympathetic in their letters, they too were liable to hold some stereotypical
ideas. For example, two out of the nine (letters #23 and #25) mentioned that
homosexuality is a choice. Letter #24 made some unkind remarks about being
effeminate and alluded to "activities" that cause our
"destruction". AIDS? Molestation? Paedophilia? Two others (letters #2
and #6) suggested to Mr Invisible that he should befriend more women, which
somehow would help resolve his problems with his homophobic family -- exactly
how is not clear.
That's nothing compared to the views of the
unsupportive ones. Not surprisingly, all five of them believed that
homosexuality is a choice, thus the emphasis on "You can change!", or
"Go get a cure!". Letter #33 on first reading sounded supportive, but
then went on to say she had "homo" friends! The scream was letter #22
who said Mr Invisible should go get a sperm count to determine his sexuality
once and for all!
If this Aunt Webby event is any indication, gay
Singaporeans now have the confidence and the ability to speak quite impressively
for themselves in a forum, given two preconditions -- (1) the forum must be
editorially neutral, and (2) they should not have to risk public exposure, both
conditions fulfilled by the Aunt Webby page.
The Gay Letters
To see what I mean, here are some excerpts from
the gay set, writing of their personal experiences:
Excerpt A
from letter #27 |
|
i
voluntarily came out to my mom and brother. that is after i broke off with
my boyfriend and the thing is ... they are quite cool about it. meaning
that they never condemned me. at least not to my face.... [snip]
i chose to tell them after i broke off with
my ex-boyfriend because i believed that there will be 1 day when the truth
with surface. And when that day comes, i dun want my orientation to be a
shock to them.
|
Excerpt B
from letter #12 |
|
I didn't
come out to my parents like you did. Initially I had plan to come out to
them after I am more established but then things took a turn and my nosy
parents invaded my privacy and found it out themselves. Hell broke out
after my true identity became known. The worst thing was that during the
first few months, inspite of claiming that they have accepted my identity,
but their actions speak otherwise. I felt so restricted and worse than any
prisoner. I hated myself for being born into this world and even
contemplated suicide. I was completing my third year in NUS then. I was
even selected for the honours course but felt like giving everything up.
The day came where I thought I had to put a
stop to all these and told my parents of my intention to move out of the
house. It was like going through a war. I was nervous but took my stand. I
have been on my own for about a year already. There's a great price to pay
for independence but I felt it was worth it. I successfully completed my
honours course and am happy with my way of life. Even though things were
tough, but I eventually made it.
|
Excerpt C
from letter #8 |
|
I myself
am gay, happy and proud to be gay. Not that I have a choice anyway but I
choose to listen to one of the seven psychiatrists I have seen ... She
told me that only you can accept yourself, no one can make you. If you
think that making your parents happy by living in a make believe world of
heterosexuality will make yourself happy, so be it, but remember, people
leave us, so will our parents, and when they do, you would spent your life
pleasing their expectations and what have you left for yourself and who is
there to make you happy? ... [snip]
As for your parents, I again quote my
doctor. "Either they get used to you or you get used to them".
If you choose to get used to them, live a closet life and be very
secretive of your sex life and relationships, or alternatively let them
slowly get used to you.. ..[snip]
I told my parents about 20 years ago (I am
33) and they have almost only accepted it ....
|
The Supportive Straights
As I mentioned above, a closer reading of the
sympathetic letters from the heterosexual writers reveals a disturbing lack of
understanding. I have put into bold text the phrases which were particularly
suggestive of their biases and ignorance. The phrases in bold were highlighted
by me. The italics are my interjections; I just
can't contain them! These letters are compassionate, but from the undertone,
theirs is the compassion for those who have strayed from the true path.
Excerpt D
from letter #25 |
|
I salute
your courage in bringing up this matter ... Personally, i think you are in
a dilemma as to which path you would like to walk upon - but then I might
be wrong if you have firmly decided to be gay.
Well, I have friends who are gay and i do
accept them as they are
[snip]
... there is a POSSIBILITY that you might decide
to be straight -- whatever it is do accept all consequences and
be responsible
|
Excerpt E
from letter #23 |
|
... I have
to salute you for daring to speak up in repressive Singapore where the
largely conservative Singaporeans treat gays and lesbians as extremely
weird people ... Those who choose the other way will always be
less than normal. … [snip]
But, if anything, if u really, really want
to go back to your family, start with your mother. Mothers (generally)
have the softest heart. They are the most forgiving creatures.
what misdeed has
been committed that is to be forgiven?
|
Excerpt F
from letter #2 |
|
Even though I am
not gay, I understand your situation because I have friends who are gay. I
do not despise them nor do I encourage their behaviour.
sexual orientation =
encourageable behaviour?
I guess there must be
some reason ... perhaps a failed relationship or a broken family.
[snip]
Although I do not know whether you are 100%
gay or 50% gay, do try to befriend women ... just establish a strong
platonic, brother-sister friendships with them and I assure you, you will
be visible to society once more.
befriending women =
visibility to society
|
Excerpt G
from letter #24 |
|
My brother
is gay ....[snip]
I don't know what influenced it -- my
father is our typical kind and gentle man. Mr big brother is always in
trouble for something and mostly irresponsible … [snip]… The dominant
personalities in our family are the women …[snip]
the old saw about lack of
male role models?
Please help me to
understand. I do not make it a point to judge anyone. Whatever my brother
becomes, he will always be my brother and I love him. I just want the best
for him and hope he doesn't engage in activities that will eventually
cause his destruction.
|
The Unsupportive Straights
The next few excerpts come from what I call the
unsupportive ones. The distinction from the preceding "supportive
straight" ones is subtle, since, as you have seen, the latter are not much
better informed either. However I call these letters unsupportive because the
emphasis by these writers is that Mr Invisible should try his damnest to go
straight. We know that sexual orientation is essentially not changeable, so such
advice is really quite useless to Mr Invisible.
Excerpt H
from letter #21 |
|
I was gay
before ... I am a firm Christian and it is true that Christiandom does not
tolerate gays... [snip] … gay men are gay because they suffer from
rejection or had been molested or lack a male role model .… [snip]
... if [Mr Invisible] chooses to walk that
path then I wish him all the best. But ... the thing to do is to find a
cure and not run from it.
|
Excerpt I
from letter #20 |
|
I can
sympathise with those that are born genetically mixed up. But most
"gay" choose to be "gay". And in Singapore certain
lifestyle are not approved by society at large. And that has nothing to
do with lack of understanding. It has to do with choice. Singaporeans
choose heterosexuality as a norm and homosexuality as deviant from the
norm. Just as drug addicts are frowned upon and outlawed, just as smoking
in airconditioned places are outlawed and discouraged.
[snip]
And to Mr Visible, go get help ...
You choose a lifestyle that runs contrary to everything your parents
tried to teach you, and you say you are the same?
implying that gay = immoral
|
Excerpt J
from letter #22 |
|
I've got a
simple solution for all gay men -- ie. questions on whether they can turn
normal. Go have a potency check at a clinic. If your sperm count is
okay and you can father babies, then your sexual inclination is definitely
not what nature intended it to be. This does not mean that men with low
sperm counts should turn gay… [snip]
never mind the lack of
facts, is there even a shred of logic in the above?
|
More Gay Letters
Besides sharing their personal experiences, the
gay writers also rebutted a number of the straight ones' mistaken ideas. The
quality of their thinking is something we can be proud of.
Excerpt K
from letter #29 |
|
I also
find it disturbing that Mr MC so readily equate gays with drug addicts and
smokers in airconditioned places. drug addicts are being sent to rehab
centres because they posed a threat to themselves by consuming illegal
drugs that will ultimately lead to their death if not stopped. This is not
considering the potential crimes that they may commit when they ran out of
money to feed their addiction. Smoking in airconditioned places is
outlawed because it poses a health threat to the non-smokers who may be in
the same room. Gays do not pose a threat to themselves or have the
potential to commit crime more than the next straight person, and we
certainly do not pose a health risk to straight people who may be in the
same room.
|
Excerpt L
from letter #27 |
|
... when
he said being gay is a choice, that means he implies we can choose to be
gay or not... This implies being gay is voluntary. Then he said, he
"RECOVERED" ... the point is ... he said he
"RECOVERED" implying he recovered from a disease. People who
recover from diseases dun get to choose which or what disease to suffer
from...
|
Excerpt M
from letter #35 |
|
The point
is -- there will always be good and not-so-good people -- everywhere and
in every culture. It is totally absurd to generalise that gay men are all
sex-crazed and molesting young kids out there. Those are the black sheeps.
I mean, turning the tables, can't you say that straight men are the
perverts who go around molesting women and sleeping behind their wives? We
all know that would be an unfair generalisation.
|
Excerpt N
from letter #30 |
|
To all you
"Christians" out there: please stop giving ill-considered and
harmful advice. I know too many young gays who have read this literature
and who have submitted themselves to be prayed over in tongues, etc, and
for whom it has done no good. It may 'help' some people, but often it does
not, and only makes things worse. Imagine a gay boy who has been prayed
over in tongues, and yet finds that nothing has changed. He then concluded
that God has done everything within his power to help, so if there is any
fault remaining, it must be with him personally: that he didn't have
enough faith, or he didn't really want to be cured. So in his time of
greatest need, he finds himself not only cut off from society, but also
believes himself cut off from God .... [snip]
Has it not occured to you that perhaps God
made the boy the way he is and hasn't healed him because there is nothing
to heal? Nobody chooses to be gay. Why would anyone in their right minds
choose to be rejected by family and friends, to become a pariah in society
and criminal in the eyes of the law? Your "advice" has damaged
many young lives and driven many good Christians from the Church.
|
The gay letters on the Aunt Webby page gave a
brief tune-in to the emerging gay voice in Singapore. It's an honest and
intelligent voice. But it's very rarely heard.
With censorship and bias in the mainstream media
such as the press, television and films, negative stereotypes and embarrassing
ignorance persist, as even the letters from sympathetic straight respondents
attest.
Gay Singaporeans are becoming ready to speak up
to clear the air, but with so much censorship, including self-censorship of
journalists and editors, there aren't many avenues. Only fringe ones, like the
Aunt Webby page, are open and neutral; a pity then that their readership is not
wide.
© Yawning Bread
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