When parents find out

The great majority of homosexual people are in the closet, and for most of them, the last people they want to tell are their parents. That is very clear in their minds. But very often, they confuse their decision never to tell their parents, with the certainty that their parents will never know.

Beep beep. False linkage.

Ask gay people in their forties, and many will tell you that one or both of their parents had figured it out anyway. From those in their twenties and thirties, I have collected a remarkable list of accidents and misadventures, which led to parents coming to suspect their sons or daughters to be gay.

In other words, just because you're not going to tell them does not mean they're not going to know. And the worst part of this is probably that it happens at a moment you least expect. It's not something you can control.

Is there any advice I can give regarding such disasters?

Well, first of all, let's rephrase that. If that ever happens, it may be the best thing that ever happened to you. Not a disaster, but a great opportunity. An opportunity to be free.

Secondly, it is helpful to know that counsellors have described the process on the parents thus: four phases -- denial, anger, grief and resignation. Based on the personal stories I have heard over the last few years, the reaction of Singaporean parents follows this pattern quite well. Of course, it varies a lot from case to case how long each phase lasts, it could be days, weeks or months, but in almost every case that I have heard about, they do finally get to resignation. However, along the way, it is sometimes complicated by an attempt to force an arranged marriage -- this being the Asian twist to the saga. But generally, younger Singaporeans are too westernised to succumb to such a solution.

The hardest part to deal with is phase 2: anger. Furthermore, this is the phase when they are most likely to explode the issue on you. Not phase 1, which is denial. Sometimes you're not even aware that they're in phase 1 already. They may have picked up some clues, but are trying to deny them. They don't raise the issue with you, but when denial becomes impossible, then out of the blue, wham, bang, voices are raised, tears flow, furniture begin to fly, and it's tornado time.

I can hardly give any advice regarding what you can do at that moment. You're going to react in a way that is instinctive and natural to you, and in keeping with the tenor of the parent/child relationship within your family. Some people argue back, others walk out or shut themselves in their rooms. Some deny while others stand their ground, "So what? It's none of your business anyway!". It's going to be such an emotional, maybe heated, moment, that it won't make an iota of difference what cool advice I give on Yawning Bread.

But the period following is where you need a cooler head: damage control. A friend who recently went through a crisis (it's still rumbling on, but from the sound of it the thunder is receding) said,

"I figured I had 7 possible ways out. I could agree to my father's insistence to marry a woman and then divorce her some years later; I could marry a lesbian with a kind of pre-nuptial agreement, and so on. But I realised that all my schemes led to the same end-result: that I wanted to be free..."

My thought on hearing that, and I think he has more or less come to the same conclusion, is that if that's anyway going to be your objective, then you might as well get there through the simplest route possible. I remember him saying,

"The trouble with the more complicated schemes is that they involve other people, who can be hurt."

What is that 'simplest route possible'? For most people that I have come across, it is "Yes, I am gay." It immediately changes the debate from your sexuality -- which then is no longer a matter of argument -- to "And what can you do about it?"

What your parents can do about it, I will discuss further on.

It takes a lot of guts to be able to say that "Yes, I am gay." It is easier for those who are already out with some friends, who have become comfortable with themselves, who are used to a self-image of a gay person, to say that. It is harder for a person in the closet, except for maybe a few sexual flings, to utter those words. They are more likely to deny their homosexuality when confronted, and this later complicates any damage control they want to undertake.

I am not saying it is always wrong to deny it when pressed. It depends on how violent the situation is. You need to assess (even in the heat of the moment) the consequences of admitting your homosexuality. But even if you deny it, you should be aware that (a) they may not believe your denial and the problem will still go on, and that (b) you are unlikely to become totally sexless which means that sooner or later there will be other clues for them to pick up, and your denial may not hold up. I think we can take it as a general rule that once parents suspect, there is no going back. Either it's confirmed by you immediately, or it's a matter of time, whatever your ploys, before they become sure themselves.

The interesting question is, "What can they do about it?" The answer to this question revolves around your economic independence.

Take the easiest scenario: you have a good career and you're living apart from them. What can they do about it? Practically nothing. With such an equation, you'd be stupid to deny it when confronted, because if you do, you prolong the issue. Your best answer may be, "Well, it's true, but it's a natural part of me, and nothing that can be changed. It's my life and you have to trust that I, not you, will be responsible for it."

More complicated would be if you're living with them, though you have your own income. Your housing arrangements are at risk, and even if they are not, they could come down hard on your friends and contacts, since they control the home space. Depending on the severity of their response, you may have to consider alternative living arrangements. The best thing to do is to be conciliatory, rather than argumentative and antagonistic, e.g. banging doors and running away, to buy time for yourself, and to let things cool down as rapidly as possible so both you and them can think logically.

The toughie (theoretically) is for those economically dependent on their parents, for example, those still schooling. Even so, many are still assertive, and do not deny their homosexuality when confronted. Except in rare cases, parents do not contemplate withdrawing home and support. Even if they are very homophobic, their response is usually along the lines of keeping a tighter rein on their son's or daughter's movements and contacts. They may impose a tighter curfew, or cut off your pager. Other than pleading, there is not much you can do. With time, however, you can negotiate to get it relaxed. I have don't to tell you that; all children from age 3 know how to manipulate their parents.

The special case is when you work in the family business. I know of a Chinese family in the Netherlands running a Chinese restaurant. They are in a small town, some distance from 'notorious' Amsterdam. The son feels completely trapped and isolated, knowing no one else in town, and anyway, word gets back easily to the family in a small place, so he's not going to take any risks. His economic freedom is constrained by working in the family business. Every year, he looks forward to coming to Singapore, where he has friends and is free to be gay. Imagine that! To him Holland is a rotting hell of a prison, and Singapore is a gay paradise.

If you have a homophobic family, working in the family business is not a good idea. Even if you're open about your sexuality with them, and privately, they can live with it, what happens when business associates later find out that you're gay? I can imagine your family members getting concerned that it may affect the business, or the image of the business. You would be putting them in a rather awkward position of having to defend you, when they may not agree with you.

Whichever category you fall into, as a general rule, you cannot expect your family to be comfortable, ever, with your sexual orientation, so what you should aim to do is to engage with them only in areas which they can handle. You shouldn't shove your gayness into their faces. You shouldn't be bringing lovers home, or hanging pornographic posters on your wall, or having very gay conversations from the family business office.

In order to pick and choose which areas of your life to engage your family with, you need to put distance between yourself and them. You should aim for spatial distance (living apart) and economic distance. More than anything, that's really for your own sake -- to be free.

© Yawning Bread 

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