This message was posted by a young Arab woman on a few gay newslists:
Lesbian Seeking Cover-Up Marriage with Gay Guy
Viciously ambitious 21 year old gay Arab woman, living in Kuwait….what kind of life would someone like myself be able to lead in such a society ? After graduating from an American College I was destined to come back to work in Kuwait and live with my parents until some man decides to marry me and take me off to his kingdom (the traditional "Arab" way of life for a typical Arab woman). It’s been almost a year now and I think I’m almost on the verge of collapsing….I thirst for the freedom to move, to express, to do the thing I want to do, to be with whom I want to be with, without the constant interrogation and criticism of my parents. I am unhappy career-wise as I am unhappy socially. And though I have recently developed a strong desire to continue my education by getting an MA in social work and becoming a social worker, I’m incapable of satisfying it as my parents are strongly against the idea of my going back to continue my education in the USA. Thus: unhappy with my present career, unable to continue my education and change my career due to parental limitations, and socially forbidden to satisfy the need I have for expressing my love to another woman. ----- What can I do, how can I get out of such a situation ?!! I refuse to live my life this way, hating what I do, how I live, waiting for a man to take me away (the
"arab way"…I need to move on, find a life of own, I need to live life as I want to live it – love it – enjoy it – express it… I have endlessly thought about this whole ordeal and can only think of one thing, one means of getting out of this icicle that I’m in: getting married to a gay guy…wouldn’t that solve my problems ? Get me to where I want to be ? I know it sounds crazy but it’s the only thing I can think of, and I believe by far my only means to freedom…. this whole idea of lying to my parents and to the world by arranging a "fake" marriage to some other gay person just so I could live my life…But what difference does it make - lying to them now….I’ve been hiding the truth from them all along….what difference would it make if I lied to them now and got married, I think I would in fact be doing them a favor – relieving them from their past suspicions of my gayness and saving them from ever finding out who I really am, who I really love, making them believe that I am who they’d want me to be, "normal, typical Arab girl" ….at least it would forever save them the shock of ever finding out I’m gay later on…Sooner or later they’ll eventually be pressuring/expecting me to get married, it’ll have to happen somewhere down the line, at least by doing it now I’d be satisfying their expectations and conveniently hiding the truth within me – because otherwise I would never get married to a straight guy looking for sex…that I know for sure…..I know it sounds ugly, that my life should be a huge lie to them, but if that’s what I’d have to do to avoid their persecution and the truth hurting them, then that’s what I’ll do…to get to the light at the end of this dark tunnel.. .I’ll do it….
But whomever I choose to marry….I must be sure I make the right choice…So many details I need to think of…making the right choice for myself and one which my parents would approve of, the process of getting married, making sure my life after marriage is not suspected by my parents...
For my sake I hope to find a caring, friendly, flexible, honest gay guy, responsible and dedicated enough to guarantee the success of such an "arranged" marriage, my interests would meet his, both of us mutually in search of a marriage that would serve as a "cover up" for our lives in reality, a satisfaction to our parents and security from their suspicions. My conditions would of course include no sex, we marry but we lead separate lives, good friends nothing more nothing less , neither of us interfering in the life of the other.
For the sake of having my parents approve of my choice he would have to satisfy the following criteria: Nationality-wise: that he be Arab, Muslim, Sunni, preferably Kuwaiti or from the Gulf region. (I personally would prefer an Arab with a Canadian or American passport) Academically: well-educated, intelligent intellectual. Financially: that he be well-established, independent, able to support a "wife and future family" (even though I in reality won’t be asking for any financial assistance from him). Socially: good conversationalist, polite, aware and respective of local "religious and moral values". Other: respectable looking; that he be able to express his seriousness and the genuineness of his offer to marry, assuring my parents of his honest care and concern for me and his willingness to undertake the responsibility of marrying me …. and all that
blablabla. I believe someone who’s able to satisfy such criteria and please my parents in that way would have no problem acquiring their approval for marriage…But I also think much of life later on…I’m in search of someone who’s willing enough to make it all happen without difficulty, no suspicions, no problems…..
If you’re a gay Arab guy to whom this whole deal seems like a convenient and much-needed situation, then I would truly appreciate it if you could answer me by responding to the following questions:
1) Why would such an arrangement interest you ?
2) What is your nationality, religion, age ?
3) Education, financial situation, living situation, family conditions ?
4) Please describe yourself appearance and character wise.
5) How do you plan to ask for my hand and help make our marriage "succeed" in the eyes of my family and society.
6) And last but not least your first name please.
I hope to hear from as many interested gay guys as possible, and after meticulously thinking it all through, I hope to make my final choice/definite decision by the month of June this year.
Well, what do you think?
Here is a well-educated and determined woman, but her culture, as embodied by her family's wishes, permits her no life. Unless she finds a suitable respondent to her cry for help,
she may well be miserable and desperate, even suicidal, for the rest of her
life.
What is the value of a culture that so overrides the value of an individual? A
culture where, unless the individual conforms to the outward norms of heterosexual
marriage and the proper role of a woman and wife, someone like her can have no place in society. And whether she conforms or does not, her happiness, her aspirations, and the natural direction of her love, are anyway of no concern.
It is always amazing to me how many people would rise to defend a culture without a thought to the countless, often voiceless, numbers marginalised and suffocated by all that theory. They would readily defend the status quo for all its inequities, than speak out for change. Our way of life must be preserved. Real people, even their own sons and daughters, can be sacrificed to that cause. Where do they get that degree of certainty that they are so right and others so wrong?
I am far from just talking about Kuwait. Lots of gay men and women in Singapore feel equally unable to break out from the confines of family and culture. I have personally come across appeals by gay men and lesbians in Singapore for introductions towards a sham marriage, though so far, I haven't seen any as powerfully written as the example above. Not a few succeed in setting one up, including the highly publicised wedding between a very well known songwriter and an entertainer (they have since divorced after a decent interval).
Pre-arranged sham marriages are rarer, however, than the other kind, where the gay person is pressured into a marriage with a heterosexual husband or wife. It's an even greater sham, because the spouse has no idea that the partner is gay. Some years on, the spouse may find out by accident, but by then he or she would have invested years into the marriage and there may be children at stake. It's always a terrible mess, and lives are indelibly
traumatised.
Let me ask again: why do we resist changing a culture -- any culture -- that compels so much injury?
© Yawning Bread
|
|
