Her World: My boyfriend is gay

It must be a milestone of sorts when Her World, a leading mass-market magazine in Singapore, puts the word "gay" on the front cover, with it being the biggest, pinkest word there too. However, without even looking into the thick issue, I was already suspicious from the headline, "My boyfriend is gay: Singapore's newest dating hazard". Something smelled of commercialism tainted with ill-concealed homophobia.

Well, the article didn't disappoint. Didn't disappoint my suspicions, that is. Seeing the word "gay" on the front cover is like reaching the summit of the first foothill in the Himalayas. It seems like a victory but when you get there, you also see many more mountains to climb.

Let's take some juicy passages and see how ignorant people can be.

"It used to be that the biggest worry a woman faced in the dating game was: Is he married or taken? These days, add a new dilemma: Is he a homosexual?"

Hello! being homosexual is not a new invention. There have always been homosexual persons. It is your awareness that has changed. In the old days, your chance of dating a homosexual was much the same; you just didn't know it. Many got married to one; some found out soon after and stayed wedded miserably; others never ever realised it, and stayed wedded miserably too.

"Two years after we broke up, I still haven't been able to get into a relationship. I'm not in mourning anymore, but I'm suspicious of men who talk or behave in a feminine way."

Well, kiddo, you may be missing the point. Most gay men are not effeminate at all, and some effeminate men are straight.

One of the two women interviewed, Siew Lee, was particularly pathetic. Reading her story, you couldn't help but feel that she was kidding herself. All the signs were there that the guy whom she thought was her boyfriend was in fact not interested in her, but as they say, there are none so blind as those who will not see.

"I caught Meng responding to an Internet chatline for homosexuals about a week after we started dating . . ."

And you didn't think anything of it?

"He treated me nicely in front of our friends, but in private he behaved like he couldn't be bothered with me."

And you still thought of him as your steady? Better yet, you later accused him of leading you on and then letting you down dishonourably!

"We exchanged only two or three kisses in the three months we were together. And he only wanted to see me once a week. I've gone out with other guys before, so I knew this behaviour was a bit weird."

Takes real imagination to think that he was ever your boyfriend.

Siew Lee even read Meng's mail to his gay friends:

"He'd write something like, 'I really enjoyed chatting to you the other day . . . and I'm looking for a boyfriend who will look after me.' "

Did you think, dear Siew Lee, that straight men can write such things as a joke?

"In some e-mail messages, he even mentioned me, but only as a 'friend' ."

Which of course, you were, to him. Friend, not girlfriend.

"Sure I was using him myself to get over a previous relationship, but I found myself caring for him a lot."

So who's responsible for the mess? And isn't this just logical: I love him, therefore he must love me.

"I never confirmed whether Meng was gay, but even if he's not, I think he's abnormal."

Excuse me, but I must die laughing now.

In the concluding paragraph, the writer added, "But if you are intimately involved with someone whom you suspect is bisexual or homosexual, he could pose not only an emotional risk but a physical risk too if he has been sleeping with other men. He could pass on [snip] Aids to you."

Now I must get annoyed. The majority of new HIV infections in Singapore (and the whole world too) for the last few years have been through heterosex. It is completely unwarranted to mention the risk of Aids in the context of homosexual boyfriends and "if he has been sleeping with other men". There are more cases of HIV being spread by men sleeping with women. Such an unbalanced statement is not only misleading, it is offensive, as it reinforces a false stereotype.

The article as a whole is not much better. The general premise is about how innocent women can be hurt by gay men. It's still a world of fair maidens, blameless even for their self-delusion, and dirty homos, guilty for not reciprocating their gift of love and desire.

Homophobia comes in many guises. Look behind the smiley mask.

© Yawning Bread 

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