IN THE GRIP OF AIDS: PART 3
Well-educated gays admit they're still cavalier about dangers of unsafe sex

Joyce Lim

THEY are well-educated, good-looking, lean and articulate.

Yet, these intelligent gay men seem so preoccupied by sex that their behaviour becomes reckless - and deadly.

It is cause for concern.

And it has contributed to an Aids epidemic in Singapore, said Senior Minister of State for Health, Dr Balaji Sadasivan.

Referring to a feature in November's issue of Her World magazine about a gay man who slept with 100 men in one year, Dr Balaji described the lifestyle of gay men as 'promiscuous and unsafe'.

It's true, said the same person who was featured in the magazine, Richard, who didn't want his real name used as he wants to protect his family's identity.

'Many gays are well educated, yet I've met some young ones who think that as long as they don't sleep with an ang moh, they won't get Aids,' Richard told The New Paper on Sunday.

'It sounds unbelievable that they can be so naive, but it's true. Currently, there is a lack of campaigns or advertisements to educate homosexuals about safe sex,' he added.

But how can that be, when Action For Aids (AFA) has been at the forefront of the education campaign? 

Sharp rise in AIDS

In his recent address to Tan Tock Seng Hospital doctors, Dr Balaji highlighted the sharp rise in new Aids infections among homosexuals, from 54 cases last year to 77 in the first 10 months of this year.

He urged the Communicable Disease Centre (CDC) to suggest ways to tackle the problem. He also criticised AFA for not having been tough in its approach to education.

Late last year, AFA produced a set of six different postcard designs targeted at homosexuals. Around 30,000 cards were printed and displayed for people to take at places frequented by gay men.

Some people found the pictures and messages on the postcards to be lewd and blunt.

One concerned reader sent all six postcards to The New Paper on Sunday after finding them in his son's room. 'The postcards were developed by MSMs for MSMs. It was very specific,' said Mr Brenton Wong, vice-president for AFA.

MSM refers to men who have sex with men.

Earlier this year, AFA was stopped from circulating the postcards by the Advertising Standards Authority of Singapore, which objected to any reference to oral and anal sex on the grounds that such acts were illegal.

At a gay party in August, AFA operated a booth, but was asked to shut down by the police who thought that giving out safer sex brochures and condoms was promoting gay sex, Dr Stuart Koe, chief executive of gay portal Fridae.com, wrote in his statement in response to Dr Balaji's speech.

Dr Balaji had pointed out the need to recognise that there are conservative Singaporeans, therefore an in-your-face Aids campaign was not necessarily the best way to educate people.

Is that why gays are so cavalier towards sex?

'We are a minority, and it's just our way of bonding with each other,' said an interior designer, who wants to be known only as Calvin.

'I usually insist on using a condom with one-night stands, but not with my steady boyfriend.

'I think as long as I use a condom, I shouldn't get HIV.'

Many feel that as long as they stick to one partner, they are safe.

But what if their fixed partners have already had several other sex partners?

'Casual sex among gays is common. When we have the urge for sex, we can get it rather easily. Just walk into any gay bar or log on to a gay Internet chatroom,' said Jimmy (not his real name).

Although the marketing manager in his mid-30s has a steady boyfriend of five years, he has always engaged in casual sex with other gay men, without his boyfriend's knowledge.

 
Ask for HIV status

'I go for blood tests regularly to check my HIV status. I also ask for the HIV status of the men I sleep with,' said Jimmy.

But is that good enough? Isn't it naive to think that they would be truthful in the heat of the moment?

'Asking them just gives me peace of mind before we have sex,' he replied. 'But sometimes I do feel a bit scared after sex with people I hardly know.

'I ask myself, 'What if one of them has passed the virus to me?' I don't know what I'd do if that's the case.'

How can such recklessness be prevented from worsening an already serious situation?

AFA's Mr Wong replied 'We are all adults and we live a life that we see fit. We cannot impose our values on other people. Such sexual behaviour puts his or her partner at risk to HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.

'But it's not for us to say how a person should lead his or her life.

'We can only send them the message to be more responsible and use a condom.'

But given the lax behaviour of some gays, shouldn't public measures be stiffer?

Said Dr Balaji in his speech 'Many will oppose public health measures like contact tracing and compulsory testing, arguing that the right of the individual overrides the safety of society.

'In the end, we must convince these people that public health measures protect everyone and it is better to have living people complaining about their rights than dead people buried with their last rites.'

* * * * *

EVERY time the test result comes back negative, John (not his real name) feels a heavy weight lift from his heart.

And he continues his sexcapades in Bangkok, often unprotected.

He has always believed Lady Luck to be on his side, and that his chances of getting HIV are slim, because he only has unprotected sex with men he knows well.

John lives for the moment. Having an active sex life is of more concern to him than contracting Aids.

'It's a lifestyle I've adapted to and I'm enjoying,' said John. His steady boyfriend of seven years does not know of his sex binges.

But what would he do if his HIV result came back positive? Would he still continue his promiscuous lifestyle?

John admitted he has never thought about repercussions. 'I live each day at a time,' he said. 'I don't know what I'd do if I tested positive. 

Never thought of what ifs

'I've never really thought about it. I think I'd try to live the rest of my life as normally as possible. I'd try not to let anything affect my lifestyle, especially since life is so short.'

John is in his early 40s.

He holds a managerial post in a design firm and lives with his boyfriend in a three-room HDB flat in a chic neighbourhood a stone's throw from Orchard Road.

The tall, good-looking man dresses well and works out at the gym every morning before he goes to work.

Dressed in a white Polo Ralph Lauren collar t-shirt, khaki bermudas and Gucci casual footwear for the interview, John travels to Bangkok frequently for work, sometimes two or three times a month.

Most of the time, his boyfriend doesn't go with him. On a few occasions, he lied he was going for work, when it was for pleasure.

He stays in a luxury hotel and spends his time cruising gay bars and massage parlours.

'I have a few regular masseurs who provide special services. Sometimes I invite them to my hotel room,' said John.

'I usually use a condom, but there were times when we decided to be spontaneous and had unprotected sex.'

He has had sex with a few gay men who know his boyfriend.

'Sometimes, I also suspect that my boyfriend slept with his masseur. Even if my boyfriend finds out that I'm sleeping with other men, he should know that they were just quick flings,' he said.

* * * * * 

HE WASN'T afraid of Aids because he used a condom every time he had sex with a stranger - until one day, when the disease almost came knocking on his door.

He was called up by an officer from Communicable Disease Centre (CDC).

'You may have HIV,' said the caller.

'Someone you had sex with has tested positive recently.' The caller urged Richard to go to the CDC for a screening.

Before that day, Richard had slept with more than 100 men in two years (though he'd told Her World he did it in one year).

He came up with the figure in less than 10 minutes.

But he had trouble trying to remember who he slept with because he met most of them in Internet chatrooms.

Whenever the 29-year-old felt the urge for sex, he would log on to gay Internet chatrooms to look for one-night stands.

Said Richard 'In the chatrooms, we talk openly about sex. Before that, we would exchange particulars like our age, height and weight. Sometimes we would exchange photographs taken of our bodies, without showing our faces first.

'It is only when we express interest in each other that we exchange photographs showing our faces and arrange to meet for sex.'

Although he insisted on the use of condoms with strangers, he never asked if they were HIV-positive.

'I don't know why I didn't ask about HIV status. Maybe I thought that as long as we used a condom, we'd be safe.' Casual sex meant nothing to this diploma holder who is currently looking for a job.

Having regular sex with other men was his form of expression. Richard's father divorced his pregnant mother before he was born.

It was also his way of finding love and providing emotional support for other gay men.

'I admit that I was ruled by my lust. It was my way of connecting with other guys,' said Richard who feels that most gay men adopt the same cavalier attitude towards sex.

Besides Internet chatrooms, he also targeted gay bars and pubs.

'Every gay would dress up to go to a gay club. We drink, dance and keep a lookout for sex partners for the night,' said Richard.

'Men kiss and hug one another openly in a gay club. Some go into a cubicle inside a toilet to have sex.

He said some annual gay parties usually 'developed into orgies'.

He revealed another open secret among the gay community here 'Every weekend, there will be orgies held at a four-room HDB flat in Pasir Ris.

'With such activities going on, it is inevitable that HIV is spreading fast,' said Richard who discovered his sexual orientation at 17 when he was a junior college student.

His family found out about his sexual inclination when he was serving his national service, when his elder sister read his diary.

It was at the peak of his sex binge that Richard received that fateful call from the CDC.

'I felt that my world was going to crumble. I was told that someone I'd had sex with had tested positive for HIV, but the caller would not reveal the identity of the person,' he said.

'I worried that if I was positive, I could have infected more than 100 people. I felt so guilty for what I had done.

'I only managed to compose myself two days later and went for the test. I was asked to recall who I'd had sex with over the previous two years. It was impossible to come up with the list as I knew many of them only by their first names.' He added 'Some of the men are married with kids. Their wives are innocent. I could never live with the fact that I might have indirectly infected them.'

He received his test result a month later, and it was negative.

'I'm so happy to be given a second chance. The result served as a wake-up call. And I've stopped having casual sex.'