Posted on Sunday, July 06, 2003
by Pak Cham Kai

The Gahmen has revealed the sensitive positions in the civil service that Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong said were now being opened to homosexuals.

PM Goh announced last week that the Singapore Government had changed its policy on hiring openly homosexual persons in the civil service. (Interestingly, he chose to announce it first in the pages of international weekly Time magazine rather than in local newspapers such as the Straits Times, who only received 'excerpts of the interview' and reported it later. Presumably, the PM felt it was easier to come out overseas rather than at home - with the news, of course.)

To announce the open positions was Major (NS) Desker Loh,  the chair of a newly-formed department which will oversee the affairs of homosexual employees: the Administration of Homosexuals, Queer, Uncertain or Ambiguous Human Staff (AHQUAHS). Appropriately enough, AHQUAHS will report to the Minister of Manpower.

Major Loh said that as the policy was very new and the Gahmen was still fine-tuning it, the jobs would be introduced only at the lower levels.

When asked whether this was inconsistent with the announcement that even sensitive positions would be available, Major Loh replied with a sigh of exasperation, "Aiyah, can you all please not be so anal? Anyway, isn't the bottom a sensitive position? I thought you pondans liked starting at the bottom, what."

Major Loh said that he was confident that gays could work as well as anybody else. In fact, he said that they might even be more experienced with some of the skills necessary to survive and thrive in the civil service.

For instance, said Major Loh, "In the civil service, we have to deal with a lot of submissions, and gays are very adept at submissive posts. We tried several of them out and the way they performed their jobs totally blew my mind. Any criticism of their performance would be completely fallacious."

When a reporter pressed Major Loh on whether the same policies would apply to lesbians, Major Loh rebuked her for being a "cunning linguist" and trying to trip him up on politically correct terminology. He then said that he was still scrutinizing the steps necessary to effect lesbian policy.

"I fully intend to watch the lesbian actions very closely," he said. He admitted, however, that the lesbian policy was not as detailed, and that "certain issues have not been completely licked yet."

Major Loh also reiterated PM Goh's assertion that the extension of jobs to homosexuals did not mean that homosexual offences were repealed.

"As the civil service, we have to operate at very high public standards," said Major Loh. "This means whoever we employ must be fully law-abiding citizens. Hence, as homosexual offences remain on record, we will only employ non-practicing homosexuals."

"This sort of neither here nor there approach is rather queer," said freelance theatre set designer Nancy Boey when asked for his views. "It just goes to show that when it comes to sexuality issues, the Gahmen doesn't seem to know dick."

* * * * *

Bengs and Lians to PM Goh: Recognise Us Too!

Posted on Sunday, August 24, 2003
by Chicken Farmer

Even as Gays in Singapore are finally being accepted in our society, another group of social outcasts are clamoring for more than just 'superficial' recognition.

When PM Goh Chok Tong told TIME magazine in July, "So let it evolve and in time to come, the population will understand...we are born this way and they are born that way but they are like you and me," it was not only the gay population in Singapore that rejoiced. Ah Bengs and Ah Lians, still relegated to the fringes of society by their culture and norms, thought that they too would finally find the recognition they deserved.

Said 'Beng' activist, Lim Ah Beng, of www.benglian.com.sg, " When PM say that, at first I thought he was talking about me! I also born this way one!"

But despite this new openess, Ah Beng is still not sure if Singaporeans will embrace the Beng culture as easily as they have embraced the Pink movement.

"For a long time ah, Singaporeans still look down on us. Sure, everybody think Bengs are accepted because got Phua Chu Kang. But that's like saying Ah Quahs are accepted, becos got Kumar. They just making fun at us. Anyway, that Gurmit Singh is a clown - if he really an Ah Beng, like me and my kaki, we would have long since 'settled' that Frankie Foo."

It is because this lingering societal disapproval, that many Bengs and Lians are still forced to keep their true nature from their families and employers. National Servicemen who declare their status often find themselves in "Hokkien" platoons, rather than Officer Cadet School, and few openly Beng/Lian ( B/L ) can find employment in the civil service, especially in 'sensitive' positions.

'Tan Ah Lian' ( not her real name ) is a conservatively dressed clerk in a statutory board during the weekdays. But on the weekends, she puts on skimpy neon halters, chain-smokes, and dances the night away at "Kwa Si Mi?", a discotheque off Maxwell Road that has become the latest hang-out for the B/L crowd. In between jugs of Tiger Beer, the Poly-grad says, "It would kill my parents, lah, to see me like this. They still want me to guai guai settle down, have 3 or more children. But this is not a lifestyle choice - I didn't choose to be like this, mah."

She reveals that she only learnt about her true nature in secondary school, when the Bengs in her school would make 'smooching' noises whenever she walked past. "It used to make me feel 'sexy' lor, like they could see something in me that other people cannot see. And they used let me touch and ride their motor... damn shiok."

Partying with her at 'Kwa Si Mi?' is her current partner, 'Tan Ah Seng' ( also not his real name ), whom she met at a tea party earlier this year. Ah Seng is a mechanic at a workshop, and unlike her, is openly Beng.

"Yah lor, in Singapore, still very hard to be like me. People look at you, they make remarks, especially the Ah Soh and Ah Pek. But I dun care them, at least I am proud of what I am. You think we are pai lang, but at least we got honour. Not like other people, say one thing, then do another, hide here hide there. But if we like you, we say so. Dun like you, then we got outside and settle."

But now may be the time for the B/L society to receive that acceptance they have long been denied. Activists like Lim Ah Beng are using word of mouth, karaoke events, and the Internet, to get B/Ls to band together and voice out their agenda, which includes removal of discriminatory policies on hiring of their kind in the civil service, as well as the archaic laws on 'Illegal Gatherings'.

"That law, very unfair leh. We naturally like to get together mah, but always afraid that if we squat around in public, like Mohammad Sultan or Clarke Quay, police will come and chochok us. And it's so obvious, always come and catch us, but not the Ang Mors and their SPGs."

Will the B/L crowd eventually be accepted in Singaporean society? Only time will tell. Even as we speak, a B/L lobby group represented by TalkingCock advice columnist and Hoot U professor Dr. Chao Ah Beng is entering into talks with the Ministry of Community Development, at an undisclosed location.

"As the talks are si beh sensitive at the moment, we do'wan to say where they are taking place," said Dr. Chao. "Just write we 'aw buay kong' can oreddy."

But whatever obstacles they meet, the B/Ls will surely take comfort in their favourite Hokkien karaoke anthem, which spurs them on with choruses of "Ai Piah Chia Eh Yiah!!!" (Only when one struggles, will one win.)

* * * * *

Fears of Pink Dollar Flight Due to Oral Sex Ban

Posted on Tuesday, November 11, 2003
by K.K. Cheow

Financial analysts have expressed fears that the Gahmen's plans to attract consumer spending by homosexuals is being undermined by the courts' recent meting out of a prison sentence to a policeman convicted of having oral sex.

Said Biggers Ballas analyst Kong Cheow Way, "The Gahmen has been trying to make Singapore more gay-friendly, even going so far as to allow them to penetrate the civil service. But the ban on oral sex severely limits their range of social activities. No amount of theatres or bars will compensate for this lack."

People Lick Us, a homosexual lobby group in Singapore, released a statement saying, "If you're gay, not being able to indulge in oral sex really sucks. I mean, if they're like this about oral sex, we don't even want to think about anal sex! What assholes!"

Said lawyer Chia Lum Par, "The policeman has real grounds for appeal. Before this, the courts held that oral sex as a prelude to intercourse was fine. But this was a case where the participants both restricted themselves to oral sex alone. It's stupid to say oral sex in one instance is fine, but not in another. There would be a complete defence if someone said, 'Oh, we intended to proceed from oral sex to intercourse, but I couldn't tahan and just came.' The case was poorly argued. I believe the oral submissions before the judge were completely fallacious."

Meanwhile, women's groups are confused about their position. Said Singapore Women Against Licking Lovers and Other Wrongs (SWALLOW) spokesperson Miss Boh Ho Chia, "There's a double standard. Many men force us to chew their lap cheongs, while they refuse to munch on our oysters. With this ban, we can equalize the inequality."

The Gahmen has yet to issue an official statement on the oral sex controversy, though sources say the Cabinet believes the issue has been "blown out of proportion."

* * * * *

Secret Diary of the Dragon Prince: (11 Nov 2003 entry)

Posted on Sunday, November 23, 2003

Barry looks at the whole range of animal classifications, not just White Horses.

11 November 2003 (Tuesday) - The SPCA (Society for Prevention of Classification of Animals) sought a meeting, complaining that there is a widespread secret classification of peasants without their knowledge. Many of them have abbreviations marked on their identity cards, passports and government records. This is a violation of human rights. Or, rather, animal rights.

But I have my brainiest mini-star and champion smooth talker with me, Cedric, also known as Wise Fool. Hmm, would wise fool be an oxymoron, I asked? Wise Fool replied that he is not a moron. Besides, he is a horse, not an ox.

The SPCA representative was a foreign talent by the name of Lyon King. He said that many peasants have BC marked on their records. He found out that BC stands for Brown Cow, and this signifies that the peasants are docile, domesticated, contented and affluent peasants who are being milked for their income taxes, COEs, maid levies etc.

Wise Fool said that, contrary to public perception, the classification BC is to ensure that these peasants do not get preferential treatment because of their wealth. They do not receive preferential treatment when it comes to registration for primary schools, streaming, and admission into secondary, Pre-University and University. Also, as BCs are often targeted for Ghost Month donations, school fund raising, charity fund raising etc, the classification is to ensure that they do not get singled out for fund raising. It also ensures that they do receive government grants for the lower-income like rebates on conservancy charges and rent by mistake etc. BCs are very sensitive animals, and get cheesed off if they are mistaken for an inferior breed.

Lyon King wanted to know about the BS (Black Sheep) classification. Is this put on 'unwanted' opposition like JBJ, Chee Soon Juan, etc, and men who brought disgrace to the white uniform: Teh Cheang Wan, etc?

Wise Fool replied that, contrary to public perception, BS is to ensure that such people do not get preferential treatment when it comes to income tax returns. The Inland Revenue Authority (IRA) has a tendency to scrutinize their income tax returns and pounce on any discrepancies or omissions. This is to alert the IRA not to single them out.

Lyon King wanted to know about WE (White Elephant). He heard that this is a classification for those have dreamt up cocked-up ideas and wasted national reserves like having fringe car parks, S-League, Suzhou industrial park, executive condos, two train operators, two media companies, EZ-link card, second causeway etc. This is discriminatory and is a stigma for life.

Wise Fool patiently explained that the WE classification is to ensure that such talents do not get preferential treatment when it comes to applying for top million-dollar jobs. Government and government-linked companies tend to be easily impressed with the resumes of such managers who build grandiose schemes without questioning the effectiveness. So this is to prevent such employers from blindly hiring WEs without scrutinizing their track records.

What about BB (Blue Bird), Lyon King wanted to know. He understands that it is also known as Lan Cheow in local colloquialism. Doesn't this mark the scum of society: the rebels, the juveniles, the delinquents, the activists, the secret society members, the illegal money-lenders, the drug takers?

Wise Fool said that is the most cock allegation he has ever heard. The BB classification is to ensure that such peasant do not get preferential treatment from clinics, hospitals when they check in for emergency life-saving operations, drug abuse and alcoholism, when they borrow money from banks, and when they apply for jobs. However, he conceded that lan cheows get a special 20% discount for admission to the movie "15" (about delinquent youths) and all Jack Neo's movies. All they need to do to get the discount is to show their tattoos, their needle marks or their wounds.

What about PP? Is Pink Panther a classification to identify gays and lesbians? Are PPs targeted for discrimination when it comes to NS, government jobs, and when applying for HDB flats?

On the contrary, Wise Fool said. PPs now have opportunities to apply for government jobs. As everyone knows, PPs are not able to have natural intercourse so it is very likely that they will commit oral or unnatural sex without leading to full intercourse, and this is illegal. The PP classification is to ensure that they do not get preferential treatment when it comes to applying the law. Their love-making will have to end in natural intercourse. There is no two-way, or three-way as the case may be, about this.

Lyon King had one last question. What about this very special classification called GD (Golden Dragon), SPCA queried? Is this reserved for members of a very special family?

Wise Fool said that the GD classification is the most impartial classification of all. Dragons do not get preferential treatment on anything. Absolutely nothing. For example, they will not get a special discount when they buy houses, they will not get an extra egg when they buy kway teow from the hawkers, nor will they get a specially-fitted SIA plane, in double-quick time, should they fall sick overseas.

PM Goh Clarifies Family Values Speech

25 Jan
by K.K. Cheow

Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong today clarified his call for the strengthening of 'family values' during his Lunar New Year message.

PM Goh had emphasized how 'the family is at the core of our values' and how 'many of the ills in Western societies are linked to the weakening of family ties'.

However, he said he had neglected to mention which family.

"I was inundated by a lot of email about my speech," said PM Goh. "Which I asked my PS to print them all out in big-big print so I can read."

Many people were apparently confused by what exactly constituted traditional family values.

For instance, Bukit Gorblok Secondary School student Chow Ah Bew asked: "In my fambly, hor, if any chewren don'ch score 4 A-stars in the PSLE, it's a tradition to staple his report card to his forehead and make him duck walk around the town center. Is that the kind of fambly value we're supposed to uphold? If so, I faster emigrating to Australia oreddy."

Also, said Bukit Gorblok Junior College student Teo Chuay Sai, "PM Goh said that we young people focus more on movie stars and pop singers with flamboyant lifestyles rather than legendary folk heroes whose lives exemplify the virtues of filial piety and loyalty."

"So I want to ask PM Goh," continued Chuay Sai. "Legendary heroes like who? Like those legendary heroes in Marina Park whose statues he unveiled? People like Lin Zexu, the Qing Dynasty official whose sincere but undiplomatic statements plunged China into the Opium War?"

"Or maybe Hou Yi, who saved the world but became so tyrannical, his wife Chang E preferred to fly to the moon than be with him? Wow, great family values at work there!" growled Chuay Sai. "I agree that singers like Candy Lo or Hacken Lee are much worse role models than people who plunge their countries into war or terrorize their spouses."

Others were less critical, and supported Mr. Goh's call. Said Queen Astrid Park RC chairman Mr. Tah Lee Ban, 87, "I agree that traditional Asian family values are being eroded at an alarming pace. Why, nowadays women actually go to work - without their feet being bound, mind you - and gays can walk openly in public, and people actually greet their elders without getting on their knees and kow-towing. What kind of a society are we creating?"

"I stand corrected," said PM Goh. "I should have been clearer and I apologize for any confusion."

"Of course when I said 'family values', I didn't mean the values of any old family," he continued. "I definitely don't think we should emulate families who don't set a good example for society at large."

"Like families who protest their being retrenched or replaced by foreign talent instead of accepting it quietly like good little citizens," PM Goh explained. "Or who don't speak perfect English and Mandarin at home. Or whose kids want careers in fields other than biotech. Or who think that criticizing policy is not defaming the good name of the politicians who dreamt them up. Or who insist on asking questions about human rights, free speech, GIC investments, CPF investments or what happened to the $1b entrepreneur fund. Or who think it's their right to get to vote candidates of their choice instead of learning to love the ones that are chosen for them. Or who are too cynical to just accept the explanations of the Government. It's these small minority of bad apple families whose values should not be accepted."

"Rather, we want the values of exemplary families," said Mr. Goh. "Like, oh, just off the top of my head, the Lee family."

"Yes," he nodded. "When I meant we need family values, the family I had in my mind all along were the Lee family."

"They are also clearly a close-knit family, with strong family ties," Mr. Goh smiled. "They somehow manage to combine business, social activities and family relationships so seamlessly."

"But their greatest strength," said PM Goh in closing. "Is probably their great sense of filial piety. We should all learn from them in this regard."

* * * * *

Gays To Persuade Members Orally

Posted on Sunday, February 01, 2004
by Pak Cham Kai

After their letter failed, Singapore gays wish to make direct oral representations to Members of Parliament about decrimiminalizing oral sex for homosexuals as well.

Gay activist group People Lick Us had written an impassioned plea to MPs arguing that the forthcoming decriminalization of oral sex should not be limited to heterosexuals. They pleaded for understanding, saying that the law of probabilities meant that some MPs might have gay children too, and should consider their position.

However, MPs said they found PLU's reasoning unconvincing, and even seemed to take the suggestion that they might have gay children badly.

"My son could never be some ah quah," growled MP for Bukit Buttocks Mrs. Ho Moh-Forbes. "He spends all his time hanging out with really macho guys, playing lots of macho contact sports!"

"I guess our strategy backfired," said People Lick Us spokesman Khee Suk Kok. "But we're not discouraged. Backfiring is a common hazard in the gay community."

Rather, PLU now wishes to make its arguments in person, to give a human face to their suffering.

Said Mr. Khee, "We want to show them we're sincere. We're willing to go down on bended knees, and give the Members a blow-by-blow account of our suffering."

Are PLU concerned that doing so will make the MPs harden their stand?

"Well, we certainly hope our oral submissions will make them come around," he replied.

MPs have mixed feelings about allowing PLU a second bite of the cherry.

"Bring 'em on," said Mrs. Moh-Forbes. "I want to give them a tongue lashing for suggesting I might have gay kids!"

"I hope their reasoning on oral sex the next time round is sound," said Ho Mo Kio GRC MP Fee Lay Teo. "I don't want to sit there listening to them just talking cock."

Hong Kan GRC MP Mr. Mai Jee Seow reiterated the Gahmen's current stand. "Activists cannot push ahead of what the wider society is able to support."

"Well, we're optimistic," said PLU's Mr. Khee. "We think Singaporeans are very tolerant people. They've tolerated inexplicably high Ministerial pay, gerrymandering, sending troops to a war zone without parliamentary approval, defamation suits for critics, opaque accounting for GIC investments... what's a small thing like two guys or girls licking each other off in private?"

"See?" thundered Mr. Mai in response to Mr. Khee's statement. "It's that kind of sucky attitude that just makes me want to blow my top!"

* * * * *

Chingay Parade to be Renamed

Posted on Sunday, February 01, 2004
by Nyonya Kway

Hot on the heels of rebuking a homosexual activist group's plea not to limit the decriminalization of oral sex to heterosexuals, the Gahmen has ordered that the 'gay' in 'Chingay' be removed from next year onwards.

This is seen as part of the Gahmen's affirmation of their aim to restore erstwhile traditional family values to what they see as an increasingly decadent Singapore.

"As we've said before, Singapore is still a very conservative society at heart and the people are not ready for an openly gay culture," said Minister of State for Discrimination Miss Annie How. "So we think that the new 'Ching Parade' will more accurately reflect Singapore's mores."

Gay activist group People Lick Us has protested the move. Said spokesman Aw Buay Lai, "This is a wrong-headed move designed to demonize gay people in Singapore!"

Mr. Aw also pointed out how the word 'Chingay' has nothing to do with homosexuality and actually comes from Chinese words "zhuang yi", meaning either a decorated float or the act of putting on costumes.

However, Minister How said that merely proved that the parade's name was out of sync with Singapore's conservative mores. "How much more ah quah can you get, playing dress-up in gaudy costumes and decorating cars with flowers and styrofoam?"

She continued, "The reduced name 'Ching' more accurately reflects the parade's status as a Chinese New Year tradition, and our increasing Chinese orientation. In fact, the Chingchong Parade was also proposed as an alternative to 'Chingay'."

This year's Chingay Parade theme is 'Parade of Dreams' and is meant to reflect the collective dreams of Singaporeans for nature, a rich cultural landscape, intellectual creative space and a tolerant multi-cultural society. (The Parade motto is the appropriately cheena, and stunningly ungrammatical 'Celebrate Our One DreamS'.)