With this ring, I thee wed...

source: The New Paper on Sunday, 6 July 2003
Joyce Lim

He COMPLETES him.

They are out of the closet and in love. And so they want to take the plunge and get married. Even if they have to travel more than 15,000km to do so in a country that would recognise what they feel is their right to be with each other, in sickness and in health, till death do they part...

At the end of this year, they plan to fly to Canada, get hitched, then go on a honeymoon to Vancouver.

Mr Jeff Tan and Mr Ted Kong may not be the only Singaporeans to do so. If they have their way, there would be a mass wedding in Canada of Singapore gays. It's love, they say. It's unnatural say some others. But Mr Tan and Mr Kong feel that people should see their love beyond their homosexuality.

They have not told their families about their decision to get married in Canada, but they plan to do so weeks before their wedding day. "We've never been upfront to our families about our relationship. But Jeff is very close to my family. I bring him home on weekends and on special family occasions," said Mr Kong.

"My family never questions me about our relationship, but they have accepted Jeff as part of the family."

Mr Tan's parents are not aware of his intimate relationship with Mr Kong.

The couple added that they have no plans to announce their marriage to colleagues, but they will not deny it, if asked about it.

Mr Kong and Mr Tan started living together last year. On weekends, they visit their parents and take them out to restaurants. Otherwise, they have small gatherings with friends in their three-room HDB flat in Toa Payoh.

Like married couples, they fly out of Singapore for a long and romantic holiday once a year.

But why do they feel the need to be married? Why can't they be like two good men friends? Said Mr Tan, 37, who runs his own business: "It's not that we need the certificate, but it's good to have it. It's like a type of personal gratification. (The relationship) no longer becomes just a verbal commitment."

The couple believe that the marriage certificate will take their relationship a step further. 

Chance to marry

And so, when they read the news that gay couples can now register their marriages in Canada, regardless of their nationalities, they were delighted. "Every morning, we take the MRT together. That day, we were sharing the newspapers and read the news on the legalisation of gay marriages in Canada together," recalled Mr Kong.

"Jeff looked at me and I could read his mind. When I reached my office, I received an e-mail from Jeff. He asked if I would marry him. I was so touched," he gushed.

"We know that the marriage certificate from Canada will not be recognised in Singapore, but registering our marriage (there) is like a form of acceptance from society," added the 35-year-old marketing executive.

The couple have not thought much about the consequences of the marriage. "At this moment, we believe that our love is forever. We've never thought of divorce, so we don't know if we will ever travel to Canada to get a divorce," Said Mr Tan.

Added Mr Kong: "Our wedding is not just for people to see. We value the exchange of vows and it serves as a constant reminder that we have a future together.

"We don't think of what happens if things don't work out for us. We take things one step at a time."

It has been eight years since they got to know each other. They met at Holland Village and exchanged numbers. It was, they claimed, love at first sight. They were attracted to each other's good looks. One week later, they were dating.

Over the years, the got to know each other's habits, likes and dislikes, intimately. Said Mr Tan: "Ted is an extrovert and I'm an introvert. Opposites attract and we complement each other."

Mr Kong added: "I'm a very outspoken person. I speak my mind. Jeff is more sensible and he is always there to tame me before I get into any trouble."

At home, Mr Tan is the one who does all the housework and the cooking. Mr Kong, on the other hand, showers Mr Tan with gifts. Though their relationship is known to relatives and friends, they try to keep a low profile and do not openly display their affection for each other in public.

They were both willing to have their real names in this article, but were coy about having their pictures published.

"There are still many conservative Singaporeans who feel that our relationship is not normal. But our relationship is as normal as any couple's," said Mr Kong.

 
Only regret

They are both financially stable and save $2,000 a month in a joint savings account. Said Mr Kong: "This is like our retirement nest egg. Like any couple we trust each other with our own money."

Mr Tan bought the flat under the singles' scheme and it will be transferred to his next of kin when he dies. If he dies first, it will not go to Mr Kong, who is not recognised as his life partner under Singapore law. Said Mr Kong: "I don't care who dies first or who gets the flat. We live each day to the fullest."

Like most couples, they long to have children running around the house. Mr Kong added: "The only sad thing out of this relationship is that we can't have children together. We thought of adopting, but we didn't think it would be fair to the child to grow up with two fathers."

The couple will be visiting Canada for the first time in December. They are planning to go skiing in Vancouver for their honeymoon.

"We shared the news with our close friends and encouraged them to go on this trip with us," said Mr Kong. "I thought how nice it would be if we could have a mass wedding in Canada. Our friend felt that it was a brilliant idea, but they need time to consider.

Some may not be able to make the trip with us due to time and financial commitments."

And do they feel sure they will go through with this? Mr Kong looked into Mr Tan's eyes, reached for his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze as if to say "Yes I do."   

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